Tortured texts™ presents: the tale...

...of the eleemosynary eff-duh

Image: MONSTER, copyright 2019 by Ramsés Meléndez

One dismal 1906 morning in the realm of the only slightly (at the time) soviet state of Amerika, whether simply misguided or with malevolent intent, some of the rulers believed it wise to create a magical creature that would help watch over the proles. They took some DNA from one of their creations of 1862 called the Doh-uh, worked in some whole cloth, added a pinch of altruism, and poof - the tentacled, multi-eyed varmint became viable.

As the monster came to life, one of the makers began to exclaim, “Wow! That’s pretty effed uhhhhh- hey guys!!!,” as he was cut off by several of his colleagues entering the room. When asked what they had been doing, thinking quickly on his feet, knowing the others had heard his last word as they came through the door, this officeholder introduced the creation: “This is the Eleemosynary Eff-duh. It’s very, ummm, uh, benevolent, and will work to make sure the people are safe from, errrr, uhhhh, abuses in the, hmmmmm, consumer product market! We thought it could take some responsibility off our plate, since we really don’t have time to monitor and control everything.” All agreed, and the rulers passed a law that from now on, the Eff-duh would be responsible for oversight of consumer products and for eliminating misrepresentation and malice in the marketplace.

Unlike it’s progenitors, though this creature was not elected by the people - it was assigned its post by its creators, as had been all of its ancestors. Though the people had no influence over it, the beast was granted great power to regulate, not legislate (distinction without a difference?), all that the people injected or ingested, and authority over a great many entities and their products. It had many eyes with which it could perceive all the land, and numerous tentacles that continued to grow and reproduce and spread throughout the realm and got into everything imaginable.

Akin to other magical creatures the government had previously and has since created, the Eff-duh feasted on funds. And, like any creature that craves currency, the beast grew rapidly, as did its voracious appetite. Unfortunately, similar to so many mystical monstrosities, the Eff-duh was corruptible. One day, it realized that rather than simply teasing its tastebuds with pennies plundered from the plebes, it could more suitably sate itself if it colluded with those it was created to command. You see, the creature had also the ability to absorb individuals from those entities, and to spawn individuals who could be absorbed by those same entities. Thus, a symbiotic relationship formed. The beast would protect and help enrich those from which it was supposed to guard the people, and in return, those corporations would feed it with both finance and faculty. Rather than castigate companies for their criminal concoctions, it helps hide the eggregious effects so that it may engorge itself on earnings.

It is difficult to determine when the ghoul became based (it was likely early in its development), but an evident example exhibiting this recognition was when it decided phenylpropanolamine (PPA) was no longer safe for the proles. PPA served multiple purposes in the OTC market. It was an effective and innocuous decongestant, but also was used in some sketchy weight-loss formulations in conjunction with other chancy compounds. You see, some people using these latter products suffered some adverse effects. So, the Eff-duh, considering those instances, cited a lone legend from an esteemed institution to decide that PPA was no longer safe and effective for any purpose. The fable claimed that this substance increased the risk of hemorrhagic stroke for fair maidens. However, this yarn also claimed to have taken material from another allegory wherein the authors claimed to have found no association. The researchers then wrote that “other than a valid association between the use of phenylpropanolamine and the risk of stroke, possible explanations for our findings include chance, residual confounding, and other forms of bias.” Clearly this is not sufficient cause for taking from the people an effective remedy that had been used for decades. Nonetheless, the Eff-duh deemed PPA perilous and powerless, then poof - it was gone.

As time wore on, more information appeared showing just how corrupted the Eleemosynary Eff-duh had become. Commercials from companies touting their tonics were awash with long lists of calamitous complications such as infections, illnesses, and death. Yet the Eff-duh continues to approve these products and the injury they inflict on the populace under the Eff-duh’s purview.

Perhaps the most damaging, among the innumerable, actions the Eff-duh has taken was to coin the phrase “safe and effective” when it approved and promoted a palliative potion that had not been properly or thoroughly tested prior to being thrust on the masses. Despite horrific harms perpetrated by this poison, “safe and effective, safe and effective,” the Eff-duh ceaselessly chanted. To this day, it continues to support the sinister serum.

The Eff-duh persists in its pernicious pursuit of anything that might pummel the profits of the pharmaceutical firms under its watch. It has long trodden the liberties of the commoners in this fashion. The longer such behavior from this beast is tolerated, the more the population suffers.

This gargantuan gargoyle that once was ostensibly intended for beneficent business has morphed into an acrimonious atrocity devouring the very populace it was created to protect. No more is it eleemosynary, but has become the Extirpative Eff-duh. The turpitude of this treacherous leviathan cannot continue unabated. If this disastrous dragon is not soon slain, it will completely consume the citizenry. If the population is to remain liberated, the demon must be decapitated.

©2022 by Chad Uretsky