Tortured Texts™ presents: ’Twas the Thing Before Christmas

This isn’t your father’s fairytale

Warning: This contents of this story may not be suitable for young children or sensitive leftists. Do not read while consuming a beverage as aerosolized oral or nasal expulsion of liquid may result. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery. If you experience any adverse reaction, please seek a sense of humor immediately. The story you are about to read is true (well, at least partly). Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional. No names have been changed because the corrupt deserve no protection.

’Twas the thing before Christmas, and all through the White House,
Not a creature was stirring, except the great Louse.
He had a big chair, it was comfort perfection,
”How did I get here? Oh yeah - that election.”
He sat in his office, alone by the fire,
Thinking of all his diversity hires.

Secretary of Transport, Pete Buttigieg,
Was rapt in a dream of packing some fudge.
He was hired because of his preference for men,
What qualifications? Who cares about them?
He nurses “his” child while donning fake teats,
He wants to move roads, change those racist streets.

Karine Jean-Pierre, oh she’s quite a hoot,
Except that she has no relations with truth.
Her hair is quite thick and has lots of curls,
She got her job because she likes girls.
That Peter Doocy’s a thorn in her side,
Perhaps that reporter Uncle Joe can elide.

To watch over health, there’s Admiral Levine,
This guy goes by “Rachel,” he thinks he’s a queen.
His appearance is that of one who is ill,
One wonders how such a position he’ll fill.
Since delusion and mental psychosis he suffers,
He should not be charged with the welfare of others.

Associate Supreme Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson,
Was nominated because her hair was not flaxen.
She hailed as a judge whose sentences were light,
But an activist was needed to balance the right.
Despite being sworn in because of her sex,
The meaning of “woman” left her perplexed.

Sam Brinton was hired to dispose nuclear waste,
A man who wore corsets of leather that laced.
He dressed as a dog, yes this was his fetish,
He did not pretend to at all be coquettish.
He was caught wearing somebody else’s chemise,
And got busted for nicking the woman’s valise.

For the head of the fed, Joe sought Janet Yellen,
Her handling of issues should make her a felon.
Her policies reversed our economic progression,
"The inflation is fleeting, it's not a recession."
She even has met with China’s Jinping,
Don’t worry about it - it’s a communist thing!

Mayorkas was brought in to shut down the border,
Who knew he would be an immigrant hoarder?
He says it is closed, the crowds are abating,
Buses northbound show he’s prevaricating.
Despite all the money it’s costing us all,
Those from our south he continues to call.

Kamala Harris was appointed VP,
A post she rose to working down on her knees.
As AG of ‘fornia she made quite a mess,
She did not stop crime, but she will not confess.
”Her words are like salad, they cringe when she cackles,
They won’t impeach me; she raises their hackles.”

“I’m building back better,” he thought with a grin,
Took a lick of his ice cream and wiped off his chin.
”I hired these people for their sex and their skin,
I wonder if I brought anyone qualified in?”
He sighed with relief and great faith in himself,
And thought, “How can I again sue the great orange elf?”

“That guy’s such a pain, how’d he win an election?
He even incited a great insurrection!
Thank goodness for New York’s AG Letty James,
She’ll get him for sure; he’ll go down in flames!
I know he had everyone rolling in green,
but c’mon man! His tweets were so mean!”

"Those election deniers, they whine and they rail,
They say that we cheated, let's put them in jail!
I'm tired as well of those unvaccinated,
Send them to camps, have them re-educated.
Why can't the herds just follow the science,
We're not asking much, just abject compliance."

"The climate, the transphobes, supremacy of whites,
We have to keep touting the dangers and plights.
We'll make them eat bugs, kill babies pre-birth,
We'll tell them they have to, we must save the earth.
So ban the gas stoves, let wind pow’r TVs,
If they can't afford petrol, let them drive EVs!"

“I'm expanding the bureaus, those alphabet hacks,
We'll take all the guns and call it buy-backs.
The agencies we'll arm, and some migrants too,
The people don't see, it’s what tyrants do.
I'll grow the Fed power, I don't care who objects,
They're citizens now, but we'll make them subjects.”

“Ukraine’s in my pocket, and I’m in Jinping’s,
They help me push all of these Marxist things!
My son is a loser, a felon at best,
But thanks to the media, the worse was suppressed.
My brother, my wife, all of this wealth,
Well I do declare, I’m quite pleased with myself!”

He got up from his chair to head for the door,
And stumbled as if there were stairs on the floor.
He left a stain in his pants, then shuffled his feet,
Collected himself, and beat a retreat.
I heard him exclaim, as he left his office,
“Happy Kwanzaa to all, and…um….you know, you know the thing!”